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Church Jokes



Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."


St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

 "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

 "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

 "Sounds easy enough. OK."

 So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

 The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

 The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

 Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

 "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

 Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

 "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

 Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

 The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"


A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

 Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

 Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

 After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

 Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

 "Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

 "I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."


Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away.

 The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"


THE GAY MAN IN THE CHURCH SERVICE

 The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up". A gay man stood up and said "I did". The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." Excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him.


The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

 "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later... "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathersaround. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.

 "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort tothis man."

 The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.

 He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."


Jonathan took his college roommate, Jake, home for Easter. After dinner, Jonathan addressed his father (who was a man of the cloth):

 "Dad, I need to tell you something. Jake and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing."

 Jonathan's father practically exploded. His face turned red and he was speechless for ten solid minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, "My son, you CANNOT marry Jake. For God's sake, Jon ... he's Jewish!"


HYMNS, BY PROFESSION

 DENTIST'S HYMN: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
WEATHERMAN'S HYMN: "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
CONTRACTOR'S HYMN: "The Church's One Foundation"
TAILOR'S HYMN: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
GOLFER'S HYMN: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
POLITICIAN'S HYMN: "Standing on the Promises"
OPTOMETRIST'S HYMN: "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
I.R.S. HYMN: "All to Thee"
GOSSIP'S HYMN: "Pass It On"
ELECTRICIAN'S HYMN: "Send the Light"
SHOPPER'S HYMN: "Sweet By and By"


The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn't very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about Arsenal and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.

 Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. "Hello, Mr. Pope," the man says. "Six o'clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I'm talking about." "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," the Pope replied. "Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera." Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.

 Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope's aides was asking about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained. "50 thousand?" said the aide. "Wow, he must've seen you coming."


This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

 The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

 The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

 "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

 As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

 At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

 At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

 "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to 'em?"


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

 St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

 "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

 The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

 Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"


From Actual Church Bulletins

 * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 * The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 * Evening massage - 6 p.m.

 * The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

 * Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

 * Ushers will eat latecomers.

 * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

 * The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 * The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

 * On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

 * Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

 * Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

 * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

 * 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 * The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 * Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."


The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
 
 


Letters from Kids to God

 Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

 Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

 Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

 Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna


1. Jesus was a Liberal

Jesus is Coming, Look Busy

Just say no to sex with pro-lifers

Hatred is not a family value

Guns don't kill people, radical pro-lifers kill people

If Christ is the answer, what was the question?

My karma ran over your dogma

God, protect me from your followers

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating his animal friends

God is Coming and Is She Pissed

Minds are like Parachutes: They only function when open

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools

You will never find an atheist in a foxhole!


In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" his brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."





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