There was a farmer who grew watermellons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermellon patch at night and eat his watermellons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

 He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermellons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

 The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermellons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!!!"

Do you have a piece of gum?

Having medical problems

 Joe was having medical problems and went to see the Doctor. As usual, the Nurse got out his chart and went over medications and history. Then she asked him what his problems were that brought him in to see the doctor today. Joe said, "It is kind of personal and I would rather tell the doctor." The nurse said, "By telling me, it will speed things up as I will already have this written in your chart, so please proceed to tell me your problems." Joe said, "Well, OK, I am having trouble with my penis - - - - - -." At this, the nurses face turned red and she ran out of the room. Later, when the doctor came in, he told Joe that he had upset the nurse and Joe explained that he was only telling her what she asked for. "I know," said the doctor, "but next time just tell her that you have a problem with your ear and when I come in, we will correct anthing in the chart." "OK", said Joe.

 Well, three days later, Joe returned on a recall as his condition still had not cleared up. Again, the nurse got out his chart and started over medications and history. Again, she asked Joe what his problem was today. Joe replied, "I have a problem with my left ear". The nurse asked, "And exactly what problems are you having with your left ear." Joe replied, "I can't pee out of it!!"

 He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the restroom?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"

 Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

 So Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for '96. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about10 soldiers a good 110 yards away ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into it. "I've got to get this guy," Norv says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

 So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Redskins go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Norv asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

 "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."

 "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

 "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...."

 The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Washington."

K9P

Back at the farm, the farmer asked his sons what they recieved. The first son said "I got $2.50 for the loaf of bread" The second son said "I got $5 for the toy truck" The third son said, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 50 bucks for a fucked up duck."

 There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

 "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

 "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

 "Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says.

 "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"

 The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

 After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29.? "I am actually 55. This makes him feel really good.

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 55."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

'I'm from the other side of the island,' she said. 'Were you on the cruise ship, too?'

 'Yes, I was, ' he answered. 'But where did you get that rowboat?'

'Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, what did you use for tools?' asked the man.

'There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that,' she said. 'Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter.'

'To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach,' he said.

'Would you like to come to my place?' the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

'It's not much, but I call it home.' Inside, she said, 'Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?'

'No, thanks,' said the man. 'One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!'

'It won't be coconut juice,' the woman replied. 'I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.'

 Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, 'Tell me, have you always had a beard?'

 'No,' the man replied, 'I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.'

'Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

 'You look great,' said the woman. 'I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.'

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

'Tell me,' she asked, 'we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!'

'Yes there is!' the man replied, shucking off his shyness. 'There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.'

'Well, it's not impossible, any more,' the woman said.

 The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: 'You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!'

 "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

 "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 "My neighbor Schlomo Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."

 "This will be noted."

 The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave.

 The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

 "Hello, Schlomo! Did the KGB come?"

 "Yes."

 "Did they chop your firewood?"

 "Yes, they did."

 "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."





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