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There was a farmer who grew watermellons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermellon patch at night and eat his watermellons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermellons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermellons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!!!"
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.......
Do you have a piece of gum?
Joe was having medical problems and went to see the Doctor. As usual, the Nurse got out his chart and went over medications and history. Then she asked him what his problems were that brought him in to see the doctor today. Joe said, "It is kind of personal and I would rather tell the doctor." The nurse said, "By telling me, it will speed things up as I will already have this written in your chart, so please proceed to tell me your problems." Joe said, "Well, OK, I am having trouble with my penis - - - - - -." At this, the nurses face turned red and she ran out of the room. Later, when the doctor came in, he told Joe that he had upset the nurse and Joe explained that he was only telling her what she asked for. "I know," said the doctor, "but next time just tell her that you have a problem with your ear and when I come in, we will correct anthing in the chart." "OK", said Joe.
Well, three days later, Joe returned on a recall as his condition still had not cleared up. Again, the nurse got out his chart and started over medications and history. Again, she asked Joe what his problem was today. Joe replied, "I have a problem with my left ear". The nurse asked, "And exactly what problems are you having with your left ear." Joe replied, "I can't pee out of it!!"
A farmer in Louisiana One day a farmer in Louisiana was counting his money. He had done pretty well with the cotton crop that fall, so he decided to go to Texas and celebrate. He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The farmer didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The farmer said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas."
He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the restroom?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"
A Texan in Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
The Garden Party... A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'
"Perfect Redskins Team"
So Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for '96. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about10 soldiers a good 110 yards away ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into it. "I've got to get this guy," Norv says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Redskins go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Norv asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Washington."
Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass." The guy gets 99 up his ass and they all fall out. He starts to laugh. "Why you laghing?" asked the farmer. My friend is out picking watermelons.
If the water on the inside of a fire hydrant is h2o, what is the water on the outside of the fire hydrant?
There was a farmer with three sons. One day, the farmer gave the first son a loaf of bread, gave the second a toy truck, and to the third, he gave a duck. Then he told each son to get as much as possible from their items. The first son sold the bread for $2.50. The second son sold the truck for $5.00. The third son was walking down the street and came upon a whore. The whore asked him if he wanted sex. He politelt told her all he had was this duck. After looking it over, the woman agreed to have sex with him in return for the duck. So he gave her the duck and they had sex and when it was over the whore told him how good that the sex was and offered to give the duck back if he would bang her again. He agreed and they had sex and he got the duck back. Walking down the street, the duck wandered off down the street and got hit by a car the man inside the car felt guilty and offered the son $50 for the damage to the duck. The boy accepted the money.
Back at the farm, the farmer asked his sons what they recieved. The first son said "I got $2.50 for the loaf of bread" The second son said "I got $5 for the toy truck" The third son said, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 50 bucks for a fucked up duck."
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.
They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China
did you hear about the accident at the army base? a jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernals
In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
In Tennessee, it is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
In Minnesota, it is illegal to tease skunks.
In Oklahoma, it is illegal to make "ugly faces" at dogs.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Q: What goes klip klop klip klop klip klop.......BANG!!?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
Mouth in Overdrive
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
Three guys are sitting on a building, a white guy ,mexican and a black, all are getting drunk and watching their empty bottles break as they drop them. then the white says "i bet you two that i can jump off this building and the wind current will blow me back up and set me right back where i was sitting." So the guy jumps, and sure enough the wind brought him back to where he was. Then the black guy says,"well if a white guy can do that a black guy can do it."So he jumps and he keeps falling and falling and finally SPLAT!!!!.....Then the mexican turns and says, man you play some messed up jokes when you're drunk superman...........
Two men walk into a bar; the third man ducks.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 55," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29.? "I am actually 55. This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 55."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday. According to the Associated Press, Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the 'craziest' thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
'I'm from the other side of the island,' she said. 'Were you on the cruise ship, too?'
'Yes, I was, ' he answered. 'But where did you get that rowboat?'
'Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, what did you use for tools?' asked the man.
'There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that,' she said. 'Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter.'
'To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach,' he said.
'Would you like to come to my place?' the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
'It's not much, but I call it home.' Inside, she said, 'Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?'
'No, thanks,' said the man. 'One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!'
'It won't be coconut juice,' the woman replied. 'I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.'
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, 'Tell me, have you always had a beard?'
'No,' the man replied, 'I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.'
'Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
'You look great,' said the woman. 'I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.'
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
'Tell me,' she asked, 'we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!'
'Yes there is!' the man replied, shucking off his shyness. 'There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.'
'Well, it's not impossible, any more,' the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: 'You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!'
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
[Place and time: Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.] The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?"
"My neighbor Schlomo Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Schlomo! Did the KGB come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."