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Blonde Jokes
 Why did
the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills
How can
you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!
How did
the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn?
She fell out of the
tree!
A Blonde
suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door
and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens
her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with
grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No,
honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
There
was three girls a brown head, a red head, and a blonde head. They where
going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take
some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if
they got thirsty, and the blonde head said she'd bring a car door........so
if they got hot she could roll down the window.
A blonde
was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts
her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Last night
I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw
her brains out.
Then I realized I was too late.
This guy
just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out
and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat
reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So,
the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes
in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
Another
blonde sent a post card home:
"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"
A blonde
and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend
had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and
it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
There
was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer
was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough
she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde
out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped
out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad
name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to
you!"
A dumb
blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly
said," go ahead,ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, W."
what do
blondes and computers have in common?
you dont appreicate either one till they go down on you
why do
blondes were underwear ?
to keep there ankles warm
Q: Why
don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth
What did
the Blond say to her Doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
Is it mine?
How do
you know when a Blond has been using a computer?
There is White-Out on the screen.
why was
the blondes belly button sore?
cause her boyfriend was blonde too.
There
are two brunetts and three blondes. They're all drunk. The brunettes are
in the frunt seats and the blondes are in the back of the truck. Suddenly
the truck goes of into the water below the bridge. The two brunettes quickly
open the doors and jump out of the truck. About a minute later the three
blondes come up out of the water gasping for air. One of the two brunettes
ask the blondes what took them so long to come up? And one of the three
blondes answer her back "we couldnt get the tailgate open!"
three
blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic ferry appeared and gave
them each a wish. the first one asked to be really smart, so the ferry
turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. the second blonde
asked to be even smarter, so the ferry turned her into a brunette and she
built a boat and sailed off the island. the third blonde asked to be smartest
of them all and the ferry turned her into a man and he walked across the
bridge.
A blonde
went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to
buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,"
he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
A blonde
woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching
from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks
like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes
apparent that her breast *is* hanging out. When he gets face to face with
her he says, "Mam, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
A blonde
goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about
all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" "No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!"
There
was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well,"
said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say
it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the
middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car,
completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to
chant, "89, 89, 89, 89...
Trucker
and Blonde
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
A businessman
got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was
a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
Why do
blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
What do
you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
A beautiful,
well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country
flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring
passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'
A blonde
goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start
with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
Why do
blondes use so much shampoo?
The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT
A man sees
a blonde woman at the beach one day sporting a walkman and headphones,
but thinks nothing of it.
The next day, he sees the same blonde woman at the grocery store, still with the walkman and headphones on. A little suprised, he goes on with his shopping. The next day was Sunday, and the man headed off to church. The man arrived at the church and found a seat just as the preacher was beginning the sermon. Halfway through the sermon, the man looked over, and to his surprise, saw the same blonde woman. Even more shocking, she was STILL wearing the headphones! The man was so curious as to why she was wearing the headphones, he jumped up, ran over to the woman, and ripped the headphones off her head. She immediately fell to the ground, clutching her throat. The man, horrified, picked up the headphones to see what was playing in them. To his amasement, the same thing was playing over and over again: 'Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...'
What's
a blonde's mating call?
I think I'm drunk.
Q: Why
was the blonde looking in the refrigerator?
A: Because The orange juice said concentrate
Q:What
do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?
A:Duel air bags!
How did
the blonde rob the drive-up window at the bank?
She put her gun in the little basket along with a note that said "This is a stick-up"
How many
blondes does it take to make popcorn?
Four. One to hold the pan, and three to shake the stove
"Excuse
me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street
corner.
"Sure....it's three fifteen,"he replied with a smile. "Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face."You know, it's the weirdest thing-I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."
A dumb
blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street and
see a twenty-dollor bill lying on the sidewalk. Guess who picks it up?
The dumb blonde--the other two don't exist.
Did you
hear about the blonde hoodlem? She spray painted her name on chain-link
fences
Why did
the blonde jump over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side
When her
two pet bunnies died, the blonde was very upset, and so she would always
have something to remember them by, she took them to a taxedermist and
asked that they both be stuffed.
"No problem," the taxedermist assured her. "And do you want them mounted?" The blonde considered this for a minute. "No," she decided, "just holding hands."
HOW BLONDE
WAS SHE? She was soooo blonde... she asked for a price check at the Dollar
Store. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she sold
the car for gas money. she studied for a blood test and failed. she thought
a quarterback was a refund. she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. she thought she needed a token
to get on Soul Train. she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone
bill. she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
she tried to alphabetize M&M's. she tried to drown a fish. she wrote
"Capricorn" on the application where it said, "sign here".
Q: Why
did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? A: She
wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.
Q: What
do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Two blonds
were walking through the woods, when they came upon some tracks.
The first blond said "They're deer tracks." The second blond said "No, I think they are bear tracks." Suddenly they were hit by the train.
What do
you call 10 blondes in your freezer..Frosted flakes!
What do
you call 10 blondes at the bottom of your swimming pool...........An air
pocket!!!! Copyright © 1999-2000 by JokesHeaven. |
