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Government Jokes
His baloney has a first name:
He loves to sling it every
day,
Clinton had had it at this point and jumped up and yelled, "That's it, I'll see you in Washington D.C. in 2 weeks!" Two weeks went by and Saddam came to D.C. He noticed 3 buttons on Clinton's desk and started to get ready for Clinton's revenge. He started talking and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the first button. Saddam ducked and nothing happened. He starts talking again, and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the second button. Saddam moved to the side, but, again, nothing happened. Saddam is starting to get suspicious, but he keeps talking. A few more minutes later Clinton pressed the third button. Saddam jumps up, and still, nothing happens. At this point Saddam is furious. He yells, " That's it, I'm going back to Bagdad." Clinton looks straight at him
and responds, "What Bagdad?"
He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says "What?" He again responds "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton,
to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."
DNA Test Results: Clinton,
William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr: The test on the dress came
back inconclusive.
Sorry, The FBI
He felt uncomfortable saying
"Come Spot!"
A: They both have a place to
insert Bills.
A: Because he decided to play
the hormonica
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says,
"What do you want?"
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
 A man
walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts
on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK
President
Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides
nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
During
a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller
of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
LETTER
TO HEAVEN A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting
the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord,
"The contagious people of Washington
have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment
weather."
"I promise you a police car
on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings,
Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip
bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular
than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated
by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are
clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa
because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or
Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me
because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must
ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to
kill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in
Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
"I read a funny story about
how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who
created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves
and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have
to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
"People blame me because these
water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would
it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an
upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated
man; I am a humble man."
Our three
past and our current presidents found themselves following the famous Yellow
Brick Road, on their way to meet The Wizard. They were all missing just
a little something and figured The Wizard could help them.
They meet The Wizard and he asks each in turn what they need. "Well", Jimmy Carter says, "I could use some courage." "No problem," says The Wizard, and Carter gets his courage, no questions asked. "What about you, Mr. Reagan?", The Wizard asks. "If I only had a brain," Mr. Reagan replies, and voila, Mr. Reagan has his brain. George Bush is next. "People tell me I could use a heart," he pleads, and The Wizard grants Mr. Bush his wish. "Tell me, Mr. Clinton, what do you most want?", asks The Wizard. Mr. Clinton doesn't hesitate. "Is Dorothy around?"
As Air
Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over
the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess
to the upright position and prepare to land?"
Q : What's
the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!
Did you
hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
-the spread eagle
A reporter
asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
Q: Why
does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
The Spelling
Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest.
Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.
Q. How
many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.
Women
in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President.
86% said "Not again."
Clinton's
team of advisors have offered the following defense...
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position.... Q: What
do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What
is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What
is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: Why
is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Bill &
Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes
up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
One Sunday
morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the
greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
President
Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative
foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. "Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope. "No problem," replies Clinton. "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton asks, "Why's that?" "Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." President Clinton replies, "you're a day late".
Similarities
between Nixon and Clinton
Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs Clinton: Worried about carpet burns Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: same Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!" N?xon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh Clinton: Took on Ho Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her Bill Clinton
was walking around the White House with a pair of ladies panties on his
arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was up to but didn't
want to ask - career limiting move and all that...
After about an hour one young Press Secretary got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with a pair of ladies panties on his arm. Clinton replied, "It's a patch.... I'm trying to quit."
A couple
of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 ("knowing my own hidden
secrets") and Psalms 52:3-4 ("lies and deceit"), a man wrote the following
letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. "If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
A man,
called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to
wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then
he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do
not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused,
the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested
some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel. The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
After
he completes his current term as President Bill Clinton is planning to
retire to North Carolina.The only problem he is having is deciding to live
in Morehead City down on the coast or Blowing Rock up in the Mountains.
Q. What's
the difference between President Clinton and the Titanic?
A. Only 1500 went down on the Titanic
Clinton
Jokes
How did 500 women sampled at
random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton?
During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky". Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky" Why did Bill get into this
problem?
Why is there no proof?
Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did
you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?
What's the difference between
Watergate and Zippergate?
IN THE
DARK
Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from his Africa trip. Apparently he picked up a strange, life-threatening disease in one of the villages. He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He went under the knife in the early morning, and when he awoke, he saw that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark. "Why are the curtains closed?" the President asked the Secret Service agent sitting beside his bed. "Is it night already?" "No, Sir," the agent said. "There is a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you waking up and looking out the window and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
WHO OWNS
THE LAND?
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly." As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government: Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is
commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume
that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and
I hope the hell you're satisfied." |
