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Funny Lists
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper. 9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees. 8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay. 7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu. 6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock. 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship. 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour. 3. Installed a new bifocal windshield. 2. Space pants now go up to armpits. 1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
 CREATIVE
PICK-UP LINES
(And the ones voted least likely to work) 1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be 2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money 3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock 4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way 6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine. 7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
The following
are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
I am darn unsatisfied to be
killed in this way.
Only in
America...
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Ways To
Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse
it around your roommate's head while he/she
3. Every time your roommate walks
in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
4. Trash the room when your roommate's
not around. Then leave and wait
5. Every time you see your roommate
yell, "You son of a..." and kick
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire.
Apologize and explain that you've
7. Put your glasses on before you
go to bed. Take them off as soon as
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms."
Pick out all the yellow moons and
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's
faculty advisor. Inquire about
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast
every morning. Explain that you are
Top 98
Ways to Order a Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. "Chop your pizza on a mirror!" "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!" "Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!" 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 22. Change your accent every three seconds. 23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 27. Rent a pizza. 28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 35. Imitate the order taker's voice. 36. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 38. Play a guitar in the background. 39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 41. Ask to see a menu. 42. Quote Carl Sandberg. 43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 50. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included. 54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 56. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 61. Try to talk while drinking something. 62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!" 63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 65. Be vague in your order. 66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 78. Put them on hold. 79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 84. Haggle. 85. Order a one-inch pizza. 86. Order term life insurance. 87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 91. Engage in some serious swapping. 92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 96. Order a steamed pizza. 97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." Top ten
things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping
for zucchini and cucumbers.
10. Get ahead faster in corporate
America.
Ten Reasons
it sucks to be a dick
10. You've got a hole in your head. 9. Your master strangles you all the time. 8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body. 7. You shrink in cold water. 6. You never get a haircut. 5. You always hang around with 2 nuts. 4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole. 3. Your best friend is a pussy. 2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish. And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick: 1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
WARNINGS
that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
REJECTED
DR. SEUSS BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
Things
Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license
unless you hold my beer.
20 THINGS
TO DO IN A DRIVE THRU
1. Drive through the drive
thru in reverse and let your passenger order
YOU KNOW
IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
You wake up face down on the pavement You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold You put your bra on backwards and it fits better Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city Your twin sister forgets your birthday You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?" Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car. You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week
End Of The World
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today:
The Wall
Street Journal:
National
Enquirer:
Playboy:
Microsoft
Systems Journal:
Victoria's
Secret Catalog:
Sports Illustrated:
Wired:
Rolling
Stone:
Readers
Digest:
Discover
Magazine:
TV Guide:
Lady's Home
Journal:
America
Online:
Inc. magazine:
Microsoft's
Web Site:
Sun:
10 Ways
to Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Top 26
ways to deal with Stressful Lives
1.Jam miniature marshmallows
up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
21 Very
Short Books
1)A Guide to Arab Democracies
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