Driving Jokes

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

 When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

 Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

 She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

 Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

 Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."

 So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" The driver said. 

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

 The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

 "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

 "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

 The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

 Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

 On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

 Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

 He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

 Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

 The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"

 A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

 The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

 His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

His And Hers ATMs

HIS: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Insert card 
3. Enter PIN number and account 
4. Take cash, card and receipt 

HER: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 
3. Shut off engine 
4. Put keys in purse 
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 
6. Hunt for card in purse 
7. Insert card 
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written 
on it.
9. Enter PIN number 
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 
11. Hit "cancel" 
12. Re-enter correct PIN number 
13. Check balance 
14. Look for envelope 
15. Look in purse for pen 
16. Make out deposit slip 
17. Endorse checks 
18. Make deposit 
19. Study instructions 
20. Make cash withdrawal 
21. Get in car 
22. Check makeup 
23. Look for keys 
24. Start car 
25. Check makeup 
26. Start pulling away 
27. STOP 
28. Back up to machine 
29. Get out of car 
30. Take card and receipt 
31. Get back in car 
32. Put card in wallet 
33. Put receipt in checkbook 
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 
36. Check makeup 
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive 
39. Drive away from machine 
40. Travel 3 miles 
41. Release parking brake

 The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

 "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

 "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

 "Well, then, we need a urine sample."

 "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

 "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

 "I can't do that, officer."

 "Why not?"

 "Because I'm drunk."

 The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

 The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

 Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

 The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

 The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

 The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

 The passenger says, "Huh?"

 The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

 "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole." 

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

 However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." 

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

 "Well, did you see this?"

 "Yes," motioned the monkey.

 "What happened?"

 The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

 "They were drinking?" asked the officer.

 "Yes."

 "What else?"

 The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

 "They were smoking marijuana?"

 "Yes."

 "What else?"

 The monkey motioned "Screwing."

 "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

 "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

 "Yes."

 "What were you doing during all this?"

 "Driving" motioned the monkey.

 "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested.

 So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

 Another car passed by.

The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

 "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

 He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

 There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

 She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

 Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

 Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

 Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

 Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.





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