Doctor Jokes

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him onthe shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here."

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

 "Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

 "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

 "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

 The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

 The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.

 After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

 The man asked, "How often do I take these?"

 "Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

 Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

 "I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

 "He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

 "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

 "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

She had been seeing the psychoanalyst for years, pouring out her heart to him twice a week. However, she was making no progress, and the doctor didn't believe she ever would.

 "Mrs. Porter," he said at the end of one session, "do you think these visits are doing you any good?"

 "Not really," she said. "My inferiority complex is as strong as ever."

 "Mrs. Porter," the doctor said, "I have something to tell you. You don't have an inferiority complex. You are, in fact, inferior."

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

 But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

 The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.

 The sign read:

 Psycho-
the-
rapist.

 "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

 "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

 "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

 "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

 "Nine..."

A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this.

 "Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."

 "Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."

 "My God, is she?"

 "No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

 The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

 Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

 The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

 Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

 "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

 "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.

 "What's the bad news?"

 "The guy was your doctor..."

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

 He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

 Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him!

 "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

 "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

 "Well," he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."

 Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

 Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"

 "Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied.

 Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said: "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!"

A man and his wife are on a nude beach sunning themselves when a wasp accidentally flies up into the woman's pussy. The woman screams to her husband what happened, in which he immediately wraps her in a blanket and takes her to a doctor. After examining the woman, the doctor decides that the wasp is too far in to be reached with the forceps, but he has an idea. "Try slathering your penis in honey, then having intercourse with your wife. Maybe that will attract the wasp into coming out far enough to be reached."

 The husband decides to try the idea, but because he's so nervous, he can't rise to the occasion. The doctor says that if neither of them objects, he will try. Given the severity of the situation, the couple agrees. The doctor immediately strips down, slathers on some honey, and mounts the woman. After several minutes of work, the husband asks the doctor what the hell he thinks he's doing.

 "Change of plans..... I'm gonna drown that little bastard!!!!"

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

 The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

 "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

 "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

 "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

 This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

 "Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

 Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

 "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

 "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

 "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

 When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

 The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

 "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

 "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

 But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

 "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

 "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

 The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

 "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!"

 The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here."

 Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says.

 The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

 Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

 "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

 "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

 In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

 "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.

 "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

 The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts.He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

 "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

 "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

 However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peeering over him, you know pulling up the eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.

The doctor says, "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some mixed news."

The man says "Don't hold back Doc, tell me the bad news."

The doctor says "It was worse than we thought; we had to amputate your left leg."

The man then asks "What is the good news then?"

The doctor replies, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers." 

The Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry.

 "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

 "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

 Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

 "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

 "Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

 "Like what?"

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist".

"Wow, how did you guess?"

 "I didn't feel a thing" 

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"

 "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

 The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to the nurse, "some asshole has got my favorite pen!"

 The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

 The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded." "You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."





Copyright © 1999-2000 by JokesHeaven.