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Computer Jokes

In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

I know Daddy's password!

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

 Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Computer Terms

 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

 State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

 Obsolete - Any computer you own.

 Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

 G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

 Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

 Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

 GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

 Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

 Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

 Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

 Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

 Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

 Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

 System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord .
He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You've got it.
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

 The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

 Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

 "Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

 "The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

 "The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

Guy on phone to girlfriend: "How can you say I don't care? My records show I had a valentine faxed to your home number."

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

 Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

 He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

 Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

 "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

 Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

 "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

 "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."

 "What about the PC?"

 "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

 "Which three?"

 "Control, Alt and Delete."

Signs You Are "Webbed Out" From Using The Web:

Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
You see a beautiful sunset and you expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward a flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You frantically search for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button that doesn't do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own Web page.
So does your goldfish.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I Net dot com"
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your spouse says communication is important in a you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer: 1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. She's gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remakrs about your "software".
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams "A-colon backslash enter insert!"
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's behind

 Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
-------- The information went data way --------
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure, why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."- Bill Gates, 1981
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?#@$@%SEeRA
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women

1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer
2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.
3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive
4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.
5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.
6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.
7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.
8. Women have bigger SMART drives.
9. Women don't think with their joysticks.
10. Women actually read installation manuals.

Top 20 reasons dogs don't use computers:

 20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup,'s.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
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Reasons why computers are better than women.

1. A computer can wait forever for you.
2. A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.
3. A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.
4. A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.
5. A computer doesn't tell you how completely teriffic it's past users have been.
6. A computer is big in all the right places.
7. A computer never forgets your birthday.
8. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"
9. A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"
10. A computer won't even talk about marriage.
11. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
12. A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.
13. A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.
14. A computer won't look through your checkbook.
15. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
16. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."
17. A computer won't shave with your razor.
18. A computer's maintainance personel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.
19. Computers are easy to turn on.
20. Computers are ready when you are.
21. Computers are very responsive.
22. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.
23. Computers do everything you tell them to.
24. Computers don't care about age differences.
25. Computers don't care if you're married.
26. Computers don't get pregnant.
27. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.
28. Computers don't insist on foreplay.
29. Computers don't make you meet their parents.
30. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.
31. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.
32. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.
33. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
34. Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.
35. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.
36. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.
37. Size doesn't count to a computer.
38. The average computer session lasts four hours.
39. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.
40. You can log into several computers at once.
41. You can turn off a computer.
42. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.
43. You don't have to tell computers you love them.

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