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10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
CREATIVE PICK-UP LINES
(And the ones voted least likely to work)
1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
I am darn unsatisfied to be
killed in this way.
Only in America...
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Only in America...
Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she
asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse
it around your roommate's head while he/she
3. Every time your roommate walks
in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
4. Trash the room when your roommate's
not around. Then leave and wait
5. Every time you see your roommate
yell, "You son of a..." and kick
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire.
Apologize and explain that you've
7. Put your glasses on before you
go to bed. Take them off as soon as
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms."
Pick out all the yellow moons and
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's
faculty advisor. Inquire about
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast
every morning. Explain that you are
Top 98 Ways to Order a Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
"Chop your pizza on a mirror!"
"Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
"Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's,
ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you
21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
22. Change your accent every three seconds.
23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they
24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
"OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
27. Rent a pizza.
28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave
a sigh of relief.
30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the
long "i" sound.
31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start
to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place
and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact,
35. Imitate the order taker's voice.
36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean
38. Play a guitar in the background.
39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so
you can surprise him/her.
40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country
41. Ask to see a menu.
42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call
44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it
should be ashamed.
47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your
49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
"Where was I? Who are you?"
50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask
52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask
that these be included.
54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were
drunk and didn't mean it.
55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph
and Mary in Tinsel Town."
58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
61. Try to talk while drinking something.
62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
65. Be vague in your order.
66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more
OOMPH this time."
67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout
68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone
does." Simulate a cutoff.
69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"This may be my last entry."
70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
going to get.
71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make
up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to
72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if
they felt that.
73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your
74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another
75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
regular intervals to play it.
76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even
77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any
crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
78. Put them on hold.
79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all
80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat
that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a
chance to respond.
82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is
repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You
just don't get it, do you?"
83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
complicated. I hate math."
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
out, won't we?"
88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch
often; act embarrassed.
91. Engage in some serious swapping.
92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all
costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing
95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
96. Order a steamed pizza.
97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of
the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping
for zucchini and cucumbers.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate
Ten Reasons it sucks to be a dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
Things Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license
unless you hold my beer.
20 THINGS TO DO IN A DRIVE THRU
1. Drive through the drive
thru in reverse and let your passenger order
YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
You wake up face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week
End Of The World
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
10 Ways to Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Top 26 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
1.Jam miniature marshmallows
up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
21 Very Short Books
1)A Guide to Arab Democracies