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Funny Lists

Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"

 10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.

 9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.

 8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.

 7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.

 6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.

 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.

 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.

 3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.

 2. Space pants now go up to armpits.

 1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.


(And the ones voted least likely to work)

1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be

 2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money

 3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock

 4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

 5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way

 6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

 7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

 8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

 9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

 10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

 I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
   not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize:
   you left your car at home!

Only in America...
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open
and then
chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight...

Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat.   Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in.  If he/she
asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair.  Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she
is asleep.   Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.  Snicker at your
roommate every morning.

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!  You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.  Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going

4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around.  Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back.  When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised.  Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach.  Then buy him/her some ice cream.

6. Set your roommate's bed on fire.  Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead."  Do it again.  Tell him/her
that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed.  Take them off as soon as
you wake up.  If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses.  Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms."  Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet.  If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to
face the consequences.

9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor.  Inquire about
his/her academic potential.  Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report.   Insist that he/she do the same.

10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning.  Explain that you are
in training.  Eat a dozen donuts every night.

Top 98 Ways to Order a Pizza
   1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
      the person taking the order to stop doing that.
   2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
   3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
   4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
   5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
   6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
      and you're going with the lowest bidder.
   7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and
      hang up.
   8. Answer their questions with questions.
   9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
      nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
      Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
      "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"
      "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
      "Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
  15. Stutter on the letter "p."
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's,
      ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
      called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
      they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
  20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you
  21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  22. Change your accent every three seconds.
  23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
      follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they
      need paper.
  24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
      "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
  25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap
      yourself and say "No, I don't."
  26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
      "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
  27. Rent a pizza.
  28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave
      a sigh of relief.
  30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the
      long "i" sound.
  31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
  32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
      "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
      finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start
      to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
  33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
      speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place
     and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact,
  35. Imitate the order taker's voice.
  36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean
  38. Play a guitar in the background.
  39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
      hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so
      you can surprise him/her.
  40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country
  41. Ask to see a menu.
  42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call
  44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it
      should be ashamed.
  47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your
      best, Gaston!"
  49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
      "Where was I? Who are you?"
  50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask
  52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
  53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask
      that these be included.
  54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were
      drunk and didn't mean it.
  55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
      he's fired.
  56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph
      and Mary in Tinsel Town."
  58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
      swayed by your sweet words."
  60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  61. Try to talk while drinking something.
  62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
      and... action!"
  63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  65. Be vague in your order.
  66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more
      OOMPH this time."
  67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout
      the order.
  68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone
      does." Simulate a cutoff.
  69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
      "This may be my last entry."
  70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
      going to get.
  71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make
      up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to
      your pizza.
  72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if
      they felt that.
  73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your
  74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another
  75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
      regular intervals to play it.
  76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even
  77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any
      crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  78. Put them on hold.
  79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all
      subsequent orders.
  80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat
      that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
  81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
      you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a
      chance to respond.
  82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is
      repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You
      just don't get it, do you?"
  83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
      complicated. I hate math."
  84. Haggle.
  85. Order a one-inch pizza.
  86. Order term life insurance.
  87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
      out, won't we?"
  88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch
      often; act embarrassed.
  91. Engage in some serious swapping.
  92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all
      costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
  93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
      background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
  94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing
  95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  96. Order a steamed pizza.
  97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
      is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
  98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of
      the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
      your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9

Ten Reasons it sucks to be a dick

 10. You've got a hole in your head.

 9. Your master strangles you all the time.

 8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

 7. You shrink in cold water.

 6. You never get a haircut.

 5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

 4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

 3. Your best friend is a pussy.

 2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

 And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

 1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Zeus.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "dissapear".
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to actually lose your car.


 1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo-Can You
9. Zippy The Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch Two Bitch Dead Bitch Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*** Out!
12. Yentil the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunts in my Pants
15. The Grinch's Ten Inches

Things Not To Say To A Cop

 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how they are far ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.


 1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say " No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

You wake up face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week

                             End Of The World

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

     USA Today:
      WE'RE DEAD

     The Wall Street Journal:

     National Enquirer:


     Microsoft Systems Journal:

     Victoria's Secret Catalog:

     Sports Illustrated:


     Rolling Stone:

     Readers Digest:

     Discover Magazine:

     TV Guide:

     Lady's Home Journal:

     America Online:

     Inc. magazine:

     Microsoft's Web Site:


10 Ways to Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Top 26 ways to deal with Stressful Lives

 1.Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2.Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5.Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6.Dance naked in front of your pets.
7.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8.Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9.Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10.Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11.Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12.Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13.Buy a subscription to Sleazoid Weekly and send it to your boss's husband/wife.
14.Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15.Drive to work in reverse.
16.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17.Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule", and let him figure it out.
18.Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19.Polish your car with earwax.
20.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22.Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23.Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24.Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25.Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
26.Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper

21 Very Short Books

1)A Guide to Arab Democracies
2)A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3)Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4)Career Opportunities for History Majors
5)Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6)Detroit - A Travel Guide
7)Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8)Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9)Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) Tasty Bile Recipes
21) The Amish Phone Book

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