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on Etiquette/ For Rednecks! (Puns Are Intentional)
**When approaching a four-way stop,
the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
**Never tow another car using pantyhose
and duct tape. Most consider
it unsafe, if not downright stupid...
**When sending your wife down the
road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
**Never relieve yourself from a
moving vehicle, especially while
On Personal Hygiene:
**It is best to partake in some
form of personal hygiene.
**Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush
should never be a
**While ears need to be cleaned
regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN
**The same goes with biting and
picking one's toenails. And never
should one partake in this personal
endeavor at the dinner table.
While Entertaining in Your Home:
**Do not allow the dog to eat at
the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.
**If you go fishing, always offer
to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
**Be aggressive yet polite. Let
her know you are interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you
since I read that stuff on the men's
bathroom wall two years ago."
**If a girl's name does not appear
regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are
good that the date will end in
On Attending The Theatre:
**For the best enjoyment for all,
crying babies should be taken to the
lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
**Refrain from talking to characters
on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
On Wedding Attendance:
**Livestock is usually a poor choice
for a wedding gift.
**If you are so honored to be the
groom, it is best to refrain from
bringing a date.
**When dancing, never remove undergarments,
no matter how hot it is.
It's just too hard to explain...
Etiquette for All Occasions:
**Never take alcohol to a job interview,
and especially don't offer it
to the interviewer.
**It's considered tacky to take
a cooler or bottle to church.
**Always try to identify people
in your yard before shooting them.
**Even if you're certain that you
are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive the U-Haul
van in the funeral procession.
counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would
be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and
off he went.
He found a tiny town with a
single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to
the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the
$18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll
want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The
Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir.
It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get
the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no.
I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that
he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the
man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me
my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Ways to Tell if a Redneck Works at a Computer in Your Home/Office:
1. The mouse is referred to as a,
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM
4. There is a gunrack mounted on
5. The password is, "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes
up to six.
7. NRA mousepad on desk, next to
8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt
sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains
10. The printer goes really slow
since Bubba don't read to fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge
truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Rolling Rock,
Black Label, Lone Star and Old Milwaukee Options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under
the desk, next to the moonshine still.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer,
next to the mouth harp.
17. The screen saver consists of
pictures of Ned Beatty with Deuling Banjos playing In the background.
18. Wastebasket is a spittoon.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
20. Autographed picture of the cast
from the "Dukes of Hazzard" on the desk.
You might be a Redneck if....
1. More than one living
relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch
collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used
lard in bed.
4. Your home has more
miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted
meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed
pposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack
and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of
your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't
remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
to kiss her butt.
10. The primary color of your
car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that
women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
12. You stand under the misteletoe
at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't
14. Your hairdo has ever been
ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved
in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued
Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things
cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started
a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is
21. You have refused to watch
the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on
the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
23. The rear tires on your
car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor
Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display
a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over
yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in
your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit
cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube
top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas
present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon
is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard
phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
33. You think that beef jerky
and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique
is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of
your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're
36. You have more than two
brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages
you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
38. You think a Volvo is part
of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam
cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk
41. You had to remove a toothpick
for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater
43. You have a rag for a gas
cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family
reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside
to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites
you over to his new home to
remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a
48. Your idea of a 7 course
meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware
party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted
your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is
to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your
ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom
had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your
house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet
are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry
tonight because you just had to have those
57. You owe the taxidermist
more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least
one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your
list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest
area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you
eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on
the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special
baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your
sisters name out of the message: "for a good
. .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas
66. You bought a VCR so you
could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to
school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly
and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have
curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition
to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy",
on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license
plate personalized because your dad made
it in prison.
73. You have been fired from
a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole
punched in your card to get a freebie at the
75. You need an estimate from
your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you
ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk
you take is which plaid you'll wear to the
78. You have flowers planted
in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family
says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more
then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and
find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom
in the middle of the night involves putting
(if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping
for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding
on to Confederate money because you think the
85. You consider pork and
beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to
the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the
"who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with
soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece
suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging
in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
91. You think the Mountain
Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change
in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is
referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan
to be the back of of your neck and the left
the shirt sleeve...95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six
different ways to bend the bill of a
97. You can change the oil
in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas,
you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition
in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes
you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house,
you are followed by federal agents of the
of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile
and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have
a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out?
Is the door locked? Is the parking
is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more
than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than
get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a
Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more
than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is
a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.111.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and
there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny
Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
114. You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars
up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high
school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green,
Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water
tower with a bucket of paint to defend
121. You idea of talking during
sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone
paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your
family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help,
cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom
yer shoe for change so ya can get
a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping
off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer
sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day
(cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than
5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground
pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say
No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob,
move into his new place consists of
off his doublewide
134. Your beer can collection is
considered a tourist attraction in your
135. You know you're a redneck if
you wake up with both a black eye and a
136. Getting a package from your
post office requires a full tank of gas
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't
a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
138. Your wife wants to stop at
the gas station to see if they've got
Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current
wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime
you hear Dolly Parton singing
Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of
the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is
sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...
be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather
than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go
the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
145. The most serious loss from
the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid
of cans in the pale moonlight with
147. You have spent more on your
pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with
your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on
how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero
in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered
you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite
154. The blue book value of
your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were
cancelled because the path to the restroom
156. On your job application under
"SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you
and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker,
because you start drinking when it gets
159. On your first date you had
to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase
"Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on
your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
162. In tough situations you ask
yourself, "What would Curly do?".
163. Taking your wife on a cruise
means circling the Dairy Queen.
164. You think the last words to
the Star Spangled Banner are
start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes
are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a color coordinating
rope that ties down your car hood.
168. You bring your dog to work
do you tell a Redneck virgin?
A. She can run faster than her brother!
drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.
do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
a redneck say after having sex?
Get off me Pa its Uncle Bobs turn
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a
steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your
"Window" ------ Place in the truck
to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out
"Modem" ------- How you got rid
of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you
mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a
"Reboot" ------ What you do when
the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to
provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing
you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in,
"Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do
when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I
bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers
do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a
suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
may be a "High-Tech" Redneck
*If your computer has a sticker on
it that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
*If you've ever doubled the value
of your truck by installing a cellular phone
*If your wife said either the computer
goes or she goes and you still don't miss her.
*If your computer is worth more
than all your cars combined
*If you refer to your computer as
*If your e-mails all start with
*If you've ever used a CD-ROM as
a coaster to set your beer on.
*If your e-mail address ends in
*If the bumper sticker on your truck
says "my other computer is a laptop".
ventriloquist is touring in the Southeast and stops to entertain in a bar
in Alababma. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a
big burly guy in he audience stands and says threateningly, "I've heard
just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes--we ain't all stupid
here in Alabama!!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins
to apologize, when the big guy interupts him and say,"You stay out of this
mister--I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"
Copyright © 1999-2000 by JokesHeaven.