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Redneck Jokes

Crash Course on Etiquette/ For Rednecks! (Puns Are Intentional)

On Driving:
**When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
**Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider
it unsafe, if not downright stupid...
**When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
**Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while

On Personal Hygiene:
**It is best to partake in some form of personal hygiene.
**Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
**While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN keys.
**The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never
should one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.

While Entertaining in Your Home:
**Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.

On Dating:
**If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
**Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's
bathroom wall two years ago."
**If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in

On Attending The Theatre:
**For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies should be taken to the
lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
**Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

On Wedding Attendance:
**Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
**If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from
bringing a date.
**When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
It's just too hard to explain...

Etiquette for All Occasions:
**Never take alcohol to a job interview, and especially don't offer it
to the interviewer.
**It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church.
**Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them.
**Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

 He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

 The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

 The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

 The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

 Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

 The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Top 20 Ways to Tell if a Redneck Works at a Computer in Your Home/Office:

1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU
5. The password is, "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. NRA mousepad on desk, next to the Bible.
8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read to fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Rolling Rock, Black Label, Lone Star and Old Milwaukee Options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk, next to the moonshine still.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer, next to the mouth harp.
17. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Deuling Banjos playing In the background.
18. Wastebasket is a spittoon.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
20. Autographed picture of the cast from the "Dukes of Hazzard" on the desk. 

You might be a Redneck if....

1.   More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2.   Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3.   You've ever used lard in bed.
4.   Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5.   You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6.   There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
7.   You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8.   Fewer than half of your cars run.
9.   Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
     State Trooper to kiss her butt.
10.  The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11.  You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
     tongue gestures.
12.  You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
     Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13.  Your family tree doesn't fork.
14.  Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15.  Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17.  You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18.  The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19.  The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20.  Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21.  You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
     was snubbed for best picture.
22.  Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
23.  The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24.  You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25.  You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26.  You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27.  The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28.  Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29.  You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30.  Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31.  You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32.  The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
     you looking at?"
33.  You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34.  You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35.  The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
     "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're
      a redneck too!)
36.  You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37.  Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
     the lube rack.
38.  You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39.  You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40.  You've been too drunk to fish.
41.  You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42.  You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43.  You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44.  You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45.  You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46.  Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
     help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47.  You've ever financed a tattoo.
48.  Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49.  You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50.  You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51.  Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52.  Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53.  Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54.  The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55.  Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56.  Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
     Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57.  You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58.  You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59.  Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60.  You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61.  Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62.  You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63.  You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64.  You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
     time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65.  Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66.  You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67.  Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68.  Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69.  Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70.  You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
     on My Mind".
71.  You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72.  You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
     it in prison.
73.  You have been fired from a construction job because of your     appearance.
74.  You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
     House of Tattoos.
75.  You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76.  After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77.  The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid  you'll wear to the
     4-H Fair.
78.  You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79.  Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80.  Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81.  You mow your lawn and find a car.
82.  If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
     on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83.  You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
     only need to buy one gift.
84.  You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
     South will rise again.
85.  You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86.  You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87.  You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88.  You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89.  You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
     flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90.  There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
91.  You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92.  You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93.  If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94.  You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
     arm below the shirt sleeve...95.  You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96.  You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
     baseball hat.
97.  You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98.  When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99.  Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.  The one
     what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
     Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
     about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
     brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
     make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
     three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
     your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
     grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
     the wheels off his doublewide
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
     home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
     in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
     the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
     the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing
     "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.  (of course this is
     a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...
     you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
     (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
     record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with
     Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154.  The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
       gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
      was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
     "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
168. You bring your dog to work with you.

Q. How do you tell a Redneck virgin?
A. She can run faster than her brother!

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
A. Bisexual.

What does a redneck say after having sex?
Get off me Pa its Uncle Bobs turn now.

Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Signs you may be a "High-Tech" Redneck

*If your computer has a sticker on it that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
*If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
*If your wife said either the computer goes or she goes and you still don't miss her.
*If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
*If you refer to your computer as "Old Bessie"
*If your e-mails all start with "Howdy y'all"
*If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
*If your e-mail address ends in ""
*If the bumper sticker on your truck says "my other computer is a laptop".

A young ventriloquist is touring in the Southeast and stops to entertain in a bar in Alababma. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in he audience stands and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes--we ain't all stupid here in Alabama!!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interupts him and say,"You stay out of this mister--I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"

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