Men Jokes

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

 The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

 The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

Because men refuse to ask for directions! 

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

 A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.

 The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

 The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

 The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.

As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

 The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

 HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
.... with Beer 

The Little Girl And A Bird

 Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

 The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

 "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

 When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.

 I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

 Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

 After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.

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Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

What is the difference between men and pigs?

 Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

 The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

 The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

 "Alright. How long do you need them?"

 The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

 He's tan. He's cute. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face

 Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."

 So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.

 So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"

Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"

 The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

 "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

 "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

 "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."

She said, well sir I'm not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won't push any buttons.

 So she tells him go ahead,just don't push any buttons. So he goes in there he's sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind.He thinks "wow that felt good, I'll press the red button".So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital. He looks up at the flight attendant and she says "you pushed the green button didn't you?"

 He knods.. He said "What happened?" She said "The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow"

 Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

 The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

 "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

 WHY ARE MEN LIKE BLENDERS?
YOU NEED ONE BUT NOT SURE WHY!

 WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?
THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !

because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.





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