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Men Jokes

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

 The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

 The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

Because men refuse to ask for directions! 

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

 A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.

 The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

 The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

 The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.

As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

 The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

Show up naked.
.... with Beer 

The Little Girl And A Bird

 Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

 The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

 "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

 When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.

 I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

 Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

 After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.
Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

What is the difference between men and pigs?

 Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

 The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

 The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

 "Alright. How long do you need them?"

 The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Mr. Potato Head...

 He's tan. He's cute. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face

An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"

 Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."

 So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.

 So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"

Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

 The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

 "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

 "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

 "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."

There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.

She said, well sir I'm not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won't push any buttons.

 So she tells him go ahead,just don't push any buttons. So he goes in there he's sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind.He thinks "wow that felt good, I'll press the red button".So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital. He looks up at the flight attendant and she says "you pushed the green button didn't you?"

 He knods.. He said "What happened?" She said "The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow"

What is the worst part of a man's body?
His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.

Q-When is a man as smart as a woman
A-When he is plugged in to one.

Q- How come men never sink in water?
A- Shit floats.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. Because there were no women on his side.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

 Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

 The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

 "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Why don't men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.




How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house

What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
There both empty from the neck up.

Q-why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
A-he wasn't concentrating

Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.

What do men and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging

How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?
Bigfoot has been sighted!

True facts about men!
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is
married 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What did God say when he created man?
"I can do better than this".

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

What's the best way to get a man to do sit ups?
put the remont between their toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.

What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.

Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.

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